His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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