How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
