happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
