I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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