I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
it hurts more in the daytime
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
