I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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