i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
