Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If I die, sorry about rent.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
