I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
