i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
