i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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