worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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