I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
