Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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