Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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