"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
