all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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