Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
