You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
