I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
