I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
