Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
