I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
