he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
