Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
