I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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