I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
