So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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