my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
