I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
