there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
