your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
