good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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