Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
