I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Pants are for mortals
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
