I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
