I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
