Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
