If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
