I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
