I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
