I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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