sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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