Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
