The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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