I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
