..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
