She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
