I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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