I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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