I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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