Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
