I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
