if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
