i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
