I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
