Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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