we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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