The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
