i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
