I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
