i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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