3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
